How to Communicate with a Chimpanze

So, my friend just got his first pet Chimpanzee, but we discovered it was a rip-off because they can't even talk! Oh, I mean my friend can't talk. The Chimpanzee's fine, it's just we, or I should say I, (my friend is a rhinoceros by the way, that's why he can't talk, (no big deal,)) can't find a way to communicate with it!

So I got to the true internet (for aliens(, I mean, perfectly normal and functional human beings,)) and found that, yes indeed, there is a way! So, for all you imperfectly abnormal and dysfunctional alien beings, I have piled together my favorite method to communicate with your pet Chimpanzee!

Step 1: Get a chimpanzee
This is an incredibly difficult step, at least for you imperfectly abnormal and dysfunctional alien beings, that must be followed if you are ever to even see a chimpanzee. In order to do this, follow the mini guide, here:

How to get things.

Step 2: Get things for the chimpanzee
Wait, wait, you just got the Chimpanzee without getting anything for it? Well, I guess you could say you weren't prepared, eh? Well you weren't. Go to Pet-S-Mart. I must once again refer you to of course,

How to get things.

Step 3: Go to Universal Studios
Legend says, at Universal Studios, there's a portal to the eighth dimension! You don't care about this though. You just want to take the rocket ship to

Step 4: Go to Universal College
This would be what you use the rocket ship from Universal Studios for.

Step 5: Get a degree in Chimpanzee-Speak
Believe it or not, you can get a master's degree in this! And it only takes away a little more than 100 years from your life! Imperfectly abnormal and dysfunctional alien beings DO live for thousands of years, right?

Step 6: Talk to the chimpanzee
You have now learned how to talk in Chimpanzee-Speak, so now you should go talk to the Chimpanzee wait

Step 7: He's dead
Oh. Alright... Umm, let's just go back to where we got the first one-

Step 8: There are none more in the wild
Oh. I guess humans have had fun over that hundred year period, right?

Step 9: Rob one from the zoo at night
I MEAN. Borrow. Yeah, you're just borrowing one from the zoo.

Step 10: You now have the only living chimpanzee
He expresses to you that he would like to be cloned hundreds of thousands of times, and that he would like to see his young put into the wild.

Step 11: Go back to Universal College
If you forgot how to do that, refer to steps 3 and 4.

Step 12: Get a degree in cloning technology
Luckily, if Earth doesn't have this in 100 years, luckily Universal College does! I hope it's useful to you. This class only takes 2 years.

Step 13: Return to your chimpanzee, to see him as an old man
As you return to him, he speaks his last dying words.. "I'm glad you're doing this.. The chimpanzees of the future will all be happy! You will do great for the world.. Thank you."

Step 14: Clone him before he dies.
You do that.

Step 15: Hear him speak his actual dying words
These are "I hid the money in the-" and then he falls down dead.

Step 16: Raise his young, forget about the money!
You raise around 1000 chimpanzees. Good job.

Step 17: Release them in the wild. Come back in 50 years.

Step 18: You come back in 50 years.
All of a sudden, chimpanzees have spread all over the local continent! They're currently scheduling boat rides to get to the other 6.. This can't be good-

Step 19: Sell your idea to Universal Studios
They're the ones who helped you get this far.

Step 20: Watch Planet of the Chimpanzees, a film about how chimpanzees talk to humans after a young girl uses a rocket in Universal Studios to go to an odd college named "Universal College," then she takes a 100 year course to talk to chimpanzees. When she gets back, the last chimpanzee is alive, because humans have somehow caused the end of their race. She then goes back to Universal College and takes a 2 year course in cloning technology, clones the chimpanzee, raises the 1000 children, and then releases them. Then, she comes back 50 years later, only to see that they have spread all over the continent, and that they're currently scheduling boat rides to get to the other 6. Then the movie ends.. but on a cliff hanger. This hanger is currently unknown to the public so that way there is at least one reason to go see the film.

The Philosophy of | All Star (Smash Mouth)

This is the first of a series of "Philosophy," inspired by my lovely tendency to come up with good (bad) ideas.

All Star is a song that is known by all (except people that are still in 1989), and for that reason, I've decided it should be the first thing I go through the Philosophy of.

So without further ado, the sharpest tool in the shed brings..

All Star, by Smash Mouth (video)

1 Somebody once told me the world is gonna roll me
2 I ain't the sharpest tool in the shed
3 She was looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb
4 In the shape of an "L" on her forehead

This first stanza refers to how people who attempt to augment the flaws of others by pointing them out just make themselves look childish or even stupid, even though they're trying to reach the opposite goal.

5 Well the years start coming and they don't stop coming
6 Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
7 Didn't make sense not to live for fun
8 Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb

This second stanza says how as you get older, you feel less new experiences, and time seems to speed up. Steve relates to his past and how he ran instead of walked in order to not be caught up in the past. It didn't make sense not to live for fun to him, because if you didn't live for fun, what did you live for? He ends off this incredibly poetic stanza by saying "Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb." At first, it seems meaningless. Doesn't your brain and your head refer to the same thing? Well, not exactly. You see, in this sentence, he refers to how your "brain," or your level of intelligence raises, yet as your intelligence raises, your "head," or your childhood innocence, however, is lost because too much knowledge takes away your childhood innocence, and your sense of fun is lost as you fall into an adult mindset that requires you to be mature in order to survive.

9 So much to do, so much to see
10 So what's wrong with taking the back streets?
11 You'll never know if you don't go
12 You'll never shine if you don't glow

This stanza talks about how just because the front streets, or the most taken path, is not always the correct one because there's too much to do in life, too much to see, and yet not enough time to take the crowded, popular path. He says you'll never know if you don't go, which is true, and is even applicable in the quantum theory, with Schrodinger's Cat, an experiment that says you'll never know you don't even try to see, because there's no way to calculate if the cat dies or not until you view it. Steve ends off this stanza saying "You'll never shine if you don't glow," meaning that you can never be at the top if you don't start climbing down at the bottom.

13 Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play
14 Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid
15 And all that glitters is gold
16 Only shooting stars break the mold

This stanza is mostly motivational. He talks about how all that glitters is gold, referring to how quite a lot of things glitter, should be held to the same standard as gold. He ends off his view saying "Only shooting stars break the mold" to reference how the song "Shooting Stars" would break the mold (in the land of memes) around 9 years after All Star was released.

17 It's a cool place and they say it gets colder
18 You're bundled up now, wait till you get older
19 But the meteor men beg to differ
20 Judging by the hole in the satellite picture
21 The ice we skate is getting pretty thin
22 The water's getting warm so you might as well swim
23 My world's on fire, how about yours?
24 That's the way I like it and I never get bored

This stanza, aside from being the longest (8 lines) one, also offers some advice. He talks about how life is a crazy experience, but it'll just get crazier, and if you think life is hard now, you should just wait until you get older and then you'll know just how hard life is.

25 Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play
26 Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid
27 All that glitters is gold
28 Only shooting stars break the mold

This stanza repeats the third, possibly to emphasize the message.

29 Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play
30 Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show, on get paid
31 And all that glitters is gold
32 Only shooting stars

This next stanza is almost identical to stanza 3 and 6, except for line 32 when he doesn't finish his sentence. He does this because he knows you know the rest of the sentence, and he doesn't have to finish it in order to convey his message.

33 Somebody once asked could I spare some change for gas?
34 I need to get myself away from this place
35 I said yep what a concept
36 I could use a little fuel myself
37 And we could all use a little change

Next, Steve tells a story of how once someone asked if he could lend some money for the purpose of getting gas for his car, so that way he can get as far away from where they are as fast as possible. He answers back by saying he could use a little fuel himself, in speaking about how all of us could use a bit of help. **Alert: you are approaching the reason this entire series was made** The next line says "And we could all use a little change." This could be in reference to how all of us could use a bit of money, or this is some evil, sick thing that Steve is saying to be cruel and change the point of what the man asked for entirely!

38 Well, the years start coming and they don't stop coming
39 Fed to the rules and I hit the ground running
40 Didn't make sense not to live for fun
41 Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb
42 So much to do, so much to see
43 So what's wrong with taking the back  streets?
44 You'll never know if you don't go (go!)
45 You'll never shine if you don't glow

This stanza repeats the important philosophical impressions that are imposed within the stanzas before it. It also ties for longest stanza (8 lines).

46 Hey now, you're an all-star, get your game on, go play
47 Hey now, you're a rock star, get the show on, get paid
48 And all that glitters is gold
49 Only shooting stars break the mold

50 And all that glitters is gold
51 Only shooting stars break the mold

Smash Mouth ends off his poetic masterpiece with words that will be remembered for centuries.

That is all the Philosophy that I personally could find within Smash Mouth's All Star. If I missed anything, or you have any comments and suggestions, feel free to tell me all of that below!

How to Ask for Help

I know this is stupid but my family, which is also unsurprisingly full of extraterrestrials, has the motto "If you don't know what you're doing, why don't get someone else to do it for you?", and I agree.

So, I guess that's what this is.

Step 1: Ask them to post this blog's link on social media.
Nobody will do this, but if they do, I'm grateful.

Step 2: Don't publish this post.
Note to self: you're a failure

Step 3: Wonder who else would read this at all.
Seriously, even if I did in theory publish this post, who would care enough to read. I didn't care enough to read it.

Step 4: Try to come up with original ideas.
I failed at doing this.

Step 5: Finish the post

Bye.

How to Beg for Subscribers

So today, I was looking at my sub count, and I noticed I had a nice, big, rounded number: 2. Why is this, you ask? Well, I don't know, and it makes me sad, so I decided to make a guide about begging for subscribers.

Step 1: Point out the fact you have a guide on specifically how to subscribe.
Yes, that's right, guys! There is an actual guide on how to subscribe! All you need to do to find it is look at the top left corner of the page! I know you can do it!

Step 2: Remind them that subscribing isn't that difficult.
You know, if you don't have an email, I guess subscribing might be hard, but if you do (and most people I do have an email) then it's quite easy! Mine is inserttheemailyouusehere@gmail.com, which I use for a small portion of my daily activities.

Step 3: Don't just remind them to subscribe, but put the link to your subscribe guide in the post you're asking for subscribers in.
This one's mean. So I'm not going to do it. Why? Because, well. Actually, it's because it's on the page, and I feel like it would seem ludicrous of that was my train of thought.

Step 4: Realize the writer of this is clinically insane
What? Why? I didn't write that! The guy next to me did! Oh, okay, this is bad, now everyone knows.. everyone knows I'm insane. Including myself! I didn't know this! How can I handle this new found knoweledge!

Step 5: Realize this blog is a joke in the eyes of yourself and everyone who's seen it and nobody's ever going to care, and become depressed.
Oh.. Okay. I'll just go.. you know.. Do this. Haha, got you! I'm not going to use the noose to hang myself, I'm actually making a cool hanging table, and I want it to be able to stay up. Hopefully that works, wish me luck.

Step 6: And that's all for today! Don't forget to like and subscribe, so you NEVER MISS A POST!

How to How to

Guide Format {Remove before posting}

How to How to is a hard thing to how to but you have to how in order to to.

Step 1: Uppercase H
If you do not begin with an uppercase H, you cannot complete the phrase "How to." It is preferably in uppercase just so that way you can look more professional

Step 2: O
This second letter sets up for the rest: if you choose it to be uppercase, you must make the rest of the letters uppercase, or you could end up with something like this.

Step 3: W
Follow the same rules for Step 2.

Step 4: Space
How unexpected? Between how and to you have a space. Try doing an uppercase space for me though.

Step 5: T
Follow same rules for Step 3.

Step 6: O
Oh, abandon all the rules at this point, you're going to do whatever you want to do!

What mine looked like:

How tO??

How to come up with Original Ideas

Have you ever needed to write a book before? Have you ever wanted to? Are you bored of doing whatever you're used to? If you said yes to any of these ideas, then this is the right guide for you! If you didn't say yes to any of those, then, well, what are you doing here? You're reading, is the answer. You're welcome.

Before we try to come up with original ideas, we must first wonder and question to ourselves, "What is an idea?"

According to Google, which you should be able to find by looking up into the sky at the drones surveying- I mean, being used for non-surveillance purposes, a thought or suggestion as to what you should do next.

Now, if we were to look at some of the good ideas, and came up with a list, of the top 10 ideas, you'd find out that all of them were already written down as full ideas for stories.

My normal suggestion for when you can't do the BEST, is to go do the WORST. However, in this situation, the top ten worst ideas are ALSO already in books! So the solution is to go for mediocrity. It's the only way.

Mediocrity is simply the middle. However, if you look at the precise middle of infinity ideas, you'd find that that idea has already been used to write stories!

At this point if I were you I'd just give up. However, I am not you, and so therefore you will not give up.

(Probably) Intermission.

If you are questioning the sanity of the writer of this at this point, I must welcome you to the club! Because, I am indeed clinically insane. Probably.

(Probably) End of Intermission

Now, that we have found that all the good, bad, and "ok" ideas are all taken, the solution is, to go to the middle, and go down one step, and continue doing so until you find something original. If you continue doing this and find the bottom, go back to the middle, and start going up. I can give you a 99.99(with an infinite number of nines)% chance that you will find an original idea.

Good luck coming up with your mediocre to terrible ideas!

{Teaser} World Story

So, I was sitting around the other day, looking at a wall, when I thought, what about a story that encompasses the entire lifespan of a civilization, including the time before it? And it was at said time when World Story was born.

Now I will be hard at work creating World Story, and the first release will be published before the end of the summer, at least I hope so.

And that's all.

How to Use a Chainsaw

Everyone should do this.

Step 1: Find a Chainsaw

This is a very important step. If you do not FIND a chainsaw, you cannot USE a chainsaw, right? So find the chainsaw. Good luck.

They look kinda like this. 

Step 2: Stare intently at it for a while.

Before you use the chainsaw, you should get to know it. Ask it's name, have a spot of tea with it. You should become good friends before you do whatever you're gonna do with it.

Step 3: Question your Existence

I'm not sure why this isn't a part of every guide I've written, but it sure as heck is important. If you don't question your existence, you don't have an existence. This is one of the rules of consciousness (I think? I don't know really.), that I made up. Or I read it somewhere and "made it up"? I don't know.

Step 4: Exist?

What comes after questioning existence? I don't know. Exist? Maybe, yeah, that's it. If you don't agree with steps 3 and 4 then you have just seized to exist.

Step 5: Does the Chainsaw REALLY Exist?

You don't know this, and neither do I. But what better way to find out than poking it. 

Step 6: Accidentally "Poke" the On Switch.

Oh, oh, oh no! You just!! 

Step 7: Watch as the Chainsaw digs a Hole into the Earth, and Never see it Again.

Oh, you just ruined it, look at that. Good thing more than one chainsaw exists on the face of this Earth. Get it? I said "face" of the Earth, because more chainsaws now exist underground than on the surface? Yeah, it's funny.

Step 8: Find a Chainsaw.

Hmm.. Where would you find another chainsaw? Oh, wait, I know! Go to Home Depot. For some reason I just have a feeling a chainsaw would be there..

Step 9: Don't hit the On Switch until you're ready.

Get ready, then. Yeah.

Step 10: You're Ready, now hit the "On" Switch!

You're now using a chainsaw! Congratulations! You are successful.

Guide to Life #8 | Almost a child

You're almost there! All you need to do to become a child is the following:

- Not go to the bathroom in your pants

- Stop falling down when you try to walk

- Start reading

- Realize you're reading

- Be surprised that you can read

- Stop Reading

- Bye.

(Sorry this one was short I didn't have much time to write it)

Guide to Life #7 | Philosophy of a Toddler

The Philosophy of a Toddler.
A toddler is a being that is not a baby, yet not quite a child. It is stages like these such as these that are widely ignored and put away as being "Unimportant" or less important than the baby years and the child years.

I, however, disrespectfully disagree.

And for that reason, I am writing, the Philosophy of a Toddler.

I do not know the cause for this, but the toddler year/years are always put off to the side! When you're a baby, it's so cute. When you're a child, it's so cute. But when you're a toddler? Well, who cares? You're not a baby or a child yet, so who actually cares.

It is the fact that nobody cares about this that makes it so important, and why more people need to realize that the toddler years must be appreciated. If they are not, though, what big deal, you question? Well, for many years, humanity has been de-evolving. I believe the cause of this is nothing but ignorance of how important the toddler years are.

If people ignore this, it'll lead to the ignorance of other things, such as the teenage years, and then what? Well, then we'll all be in trouble. Then, we'll be on to ignoring senior citizens- wait, we already do that.

If you're wondering how the ignorance of senior citizens started, I have the answer. Ignorance of the Toddler Years.

All of these problems start when you are a toddler, so these mustn't be ignored if we are to continue.

If you believe this as much as I do, please sign my petition.

You can find it here.

Thanks for reading this important post, and I hope that all of you stop ignoring the toddler years and begin to realize the truth.

Guide to Life #6 | What now?

Okay, so you're a toddler. You can speak. You can breathe. You can eat. You can do a few things that babies can't. But now what? Well, here are a few ideas.

Idea 1: Live.
This one's a small brainer, you just sit there and live. Eventually, you eat. Eventually, you ask for stuff to eat.

Idea 2: Think
This one's a medium brainer. You sit there, thinking, until you come up with ideas for how the world works. Oh, but don't forget to eat.

Idea 3: Think more
This one's a slightly-more-than-medium brainer. So you think. And then you think. And then eventually, you find ideas for how spacetime must work, and the meaning of life.

Idea 4: Don't live
Don't do this one.

Idea 5: Get up and stop reading, you're a toddler!
Come on, you're a toddler reading this, that goes against nature! Toddlers aren't smart! They're small dumb children.

Or not.

How to Spend your Last Day with a Group of People

(helpful guide #2?)
Alright, today's the last full day of school for me. I was thinking, "What would be a useful guide for everyone I know" and I found it. This guide was written in a smaller amount of time than the others I've lately made, so sorry if the quality isn't as high as the others. But either way, I'll stop stalling (as that lowers the quality further) and get right to the guide.

Step 1: Enjoy the time you have.
This step is the hardest, so that's why I put it first. You have to not think about how this could be the last time you EVER see this group of people. Of course, though, don't act like you're going to see them every day from now on. Be appreciative for the time you have, and try to spread happiness among the group.

Step 2: Talk about the Good 'Ol Days
This step is an expansion upon step 1. Its important for if you are going to enjoy the time you have, to reminisce in the past and not try to suppress these memories.

Step 3: Get in Contact
Find phone numbers, trade emails. Do whatever you have to do to get in contact. A good example for me is that I hate Snapchat, but since most of my friends are on Snapchat and it's a good enough messaging app, I'm going to use it to stay in contact. You do whatever you have to do to stay friends.

Step 4: Try to make friends with that one person you don't know
Even if they're known for being terrible, at least try. If it's all you do, you have to at least try to be friends. Else you're missing out on a potential friend, and that's not ok.

Step 5: Try to talk as much as possible to the people you got in contact with.
Now for a disclaimer, this doesn't mean be clingy. But try to not forget them. If you can, meet up in real life. Prove that it wasn't the last time for real. You can do it..

And that's all for today. I hope you enjoyed it! Yeah. Bye.

How to Subscribe v2

Do you want to know how to do things but don't know how to know how to do things? Do you want someone to tell you how to live your life? Do you want to learn in general? Well, I guess you've stumbled upon the right website, because this website is for you! No matter who you are! It doesn't matter if you're a college scholar, or a 10 year old, but this website will be PERFECT for you! No matter what!

Now, simply knowing that this website exists isn't enough, however. You know that school exists, right? But it does't help you simply by existing, either. It also doesn't really help you anyway. But that's a fact for another day.

If only there were a way to know whenever I make new content?

Well, there is! And it's called.. Subscribing! However, the subscribing process is anything but easy on this website.. Just kidding! Alright, whatever. On to the guide!

How to Subscribe.. With Pictures!
Step 1: find the blog.
Now, to do this is quite simple. You simply click here. If you were able to click "here" then you are on the blog, because this guide is on the blog.

Step 2: Look at the blog.
Look around you! This page could look pretty nice, right? Well, it does. And that's good.

Step 3: Look at the part of the screen labeled "Subscribe."
The subscribe function is at the top-right corner of the screen, and when you find it, it should look like this:

Step 4:
Then, go ahead and enter your email.

Step 5:
Hit submit.
Your screen should look something like this:

Step 6: Type in the captcha, then hit "Complete Subscription Request"
I won't show a picture for this step.
Step 7: then, go to your email inbox
My email at insertyouremailhere@gmail.com normally looks like this:

Now, I won't claim to be anything more than I am, so instead I'll claim to be less.

Anyway, once I clicked the "confirm my subscription" thing, I got an email. It was my first email. Ever. Not even joking, since I made this email account for the sole purpose of making this post. Anyway, once I got my email, I got a notification. I was so excited because it looked like it was working at this point.

Here's proof I got the email:

Step 8: Click on the email

Some emails are shady plots to phish for your info, but I can assure you this has a 0% chance of being one of those plots. Of course, simply bringing it up normally is enough to cause a bit of mistrust. But oh, fateful reader, please do trust in me! After all, this is about all I'm doing with my life..

It should look like this:

Step 9: You're almost there! Click the link!

Step 10: You're now a subscriber! Congratulations!

If you enjoyed this guide, thanks. If you didn't like this guide, go ahead and complain below and I'll try to be a better shell of a human being next time. Bye.