How to Use a Chainsaw

Everyone should do this.

Step 1: Find a Chainsaw

This is a very important step. If you do not FIND a chainsaw, you cannot USE a chainsaw, right? So find the chainsaw. Good luck.

They look kinda like this. 

Step 2: Stare intently at it for a while.

Before you use the chainsaw, you should get to know it. Ask it's name, have a spot of tea with it. You should become good friends before you do whatever you're gonna do with it.

Step 3: Question your Existence

I'm not sure why this isn't a part of every guide I've written, but it sure as heck is important. If you don't question your existence, you don't have an existence. This is one of the rules of consciousness (I think? I don't know really.), that I made up. Or I read it somewhere and "made it up"? I don't know.

Step 4: Exist?

What comes after questioning existence? I don't know. Exist? Maybe, yeah, that's it. If you don't agree with steps 3 and 4 then you have just seized to exist.

Step 5: Does the Chainsaw REALLY Exist?

You don't know this, and neither do I. But what better way to find out than poking it. 

Step 6: Accidentally "Poke" the On Switch.

Oh, oh, oh no! You just!! 

Step 7: Watch as the Chainsaw digs a Hole into the Earth, and Never see it Again.

Oh, you just ruined it, look at that. Good thing more than one chainsaw exists on the face of this Earth. Get it? I said "face" of the Earth, because more chainsaws now exist underground than on the surface? Yeah, it's funny.

Step 8: Find a Chainsaw.

Hmm.. Where would you find another chainsaw? Oh, wait, I know! Go to Home Depot. For some reason I just have a feeling a chainsaw would be there..

Step 9: Don't hit the On Switch until you're ready.

Get ready, then. Yeah.

Step 10: You're Ready, now hit the "On" Switch!

You're now using a chainsaw! Congratulations! You are successful.