"How do I hurdle through the Universe without Dying, {DATA EXPUNGED}" - CasperClarke, 6:39 PM, 5/27/2017
How to Hurdle through the Universe without Dying, an in depth approach at teaching people to hurdle through the universe at speeds unmatched without dying, so as to inspire the future generation to do so as well.
Step 1: Prep
All expeditions that I (who is an expert, by the way) have taken whilst hurdling through the universes at high speeds have not been without their preparations. A few things I like to take with me:
- Brain
- Heart
- Stomach
- Other Organs
Step 2: Think.
You have to get philosophical to do this, else you cannot. How can you hurdle without being in the right mindset, after all.
Step 3: Realize you're doing it right now.
By the time 1 second goes by, you're moving around 2 kilometers around the sun, at the same time you're moving around the center of the galaxy, and the galaxy is moving somewhere as well, so yeah. You're already doing it!
Step 4: Success!
You are successful! Without actually doing anything you're hurdling through the universe! Congratulations!
A large amount of "Useful" Guides to help humanity out.
Saturday, May 27, 2017
Friday, May 26, 2017
How to Smart
"How do I smart?" - A human, 5 seconds ago.
Step 8: Slightly above above average.
I will now answer this question.
Step 1: Dumb.
In order to smart, you must first dumb. Without dumbing first, how can one know she is really smart? Else, she might think she is smart relative to whatever else, but by knowing what it's like to be dumb you may put it into perspective of what it is like on the intelligence scale of Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. You will currently have no job, because you are incapable of doing so.
Step 2: Slightly less dumb.
The next step on the scale, and the next step in the guide. You must know what slightly less dumb is like, otherwise you cannot put it into perspective with what it is like to smart. You are now someone who writes stories of no importance but doesn't make money off of them.
Step 3: Below average.
You must below average before you can know what average is. Average, in general, is just a step above below average. So go to below average before you average. Otherwise, you are going to fast and you can't measure your progress. You now work at McDonalds.
Step 4: Average
This is where things get interesting. You can now think for yourself.. you're no longer a worker at McDonalds, you're now in retail.
Step 5: Slightly above average.
We all must grow slowly. Now that you are slightly above average, you can go to college. So you do so.
Step 5.55555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555555:
You now must decide: What will you do with your life?
Step 6: Go to College.
Now that you know what you're going to do with life, you go to college, and you become an expert at it. However, you are no expert at life yet.
Step 7: Above average.
Good job, you are now above average. You're on your way to getting your dream job.
Step 8: Slightly above above average.
You just evolved again! You are now slightly above above average, meaning you're almost there. Just.. keep.. Trying.
Step 9: Above Above Average.
One more step! And you'll be there! Now, you can see your goal in sight. It's so close but so far.. Now all you have to do is- Oh. It's all done. Congrats. You are..
Step 10: Smart.
You now how your dream job. Congratulations, you have achieved your goal once and for all.
-- This guide was not made for anyone in particular but if you're interested in helping me make more guides, just go to the "How to Ask Questions" Page and ask away! I will make as many guides for people as possible ;)
Thursday, May 25, 2017
How to write Questions
Little piece of news, we just got a new background! This background is by CasperClarke, and I'd like to thank him for it. If this background isn't there by the time you're reading this guide, here's a picture of it:
So, I was thinking of starting a Q/A thing, for some reason. So the idea is, you comment down below on the page labeled "How to Ask Questions" and you type "How to ___" or "How do I ____, please", etc.. But then, I thought, what if one does not know how to ask questions? Well, I guess this could be the solution. So without further ado, here is How to Write Questions:
Step 1: Think of Something
This is a very very important step. You must think of something that you do not know how to do, or that a lot of people you know do not know how to do. If you just asked, "How do I blank?" Then I would have to make a guide, title it "How do I blank" and then where would we be? Nowhere. Literally, nowhere. So, the first step is to think of something ridiculous- I mean, important, that you do not know how to do, and write it down.
Step 2: Buy a Keyboard
It is quite literally impossible to write a question without some form of writing utensil! On the internet, the most popular writing utensil is the Keyboard, so I decided that that will be the one that I will suggest. Of course, you could also use:
An onscreen keyboard
Take a picture of your written question on a piece of paper
Draw it in photoshop/any other photo editor and send it to me that way
Step 3: Write the question
This is arguably the most important step, because if you do not, where will the question be? Will it exist at all? The answer is A; it will be nowhere, and B; it will not exist. Anyway, just go ahead and get your chosen tool to type with, and then the most important part: Typing.
Step 4: Type
Typity type type. That's it. Just like how I typed. I typed, you'll type, she types, he types, they type, it types.. Everything nowadays types and that is the simple truth. You're welcome.
Step 5: Submit
Now, and you'll here this from me, please don't comment on this post. Will I accept it for a guide? Yeah, sure. But that doesn't matter. The fact will still exist that the proper way is to leave a comment on the page "How to Ask Questions" Because all you have to do is ask.
Now, you didn't hear this from me. Well actually you did hear this from me. What am I even saying you didn't hear me say? I don't know. This entire website is pointless-- I mean the most important thing to ever exist in the existence of existence itself.
So, I was thinking of starting a Q/A thing, for some reason. So the idea is, you comment down below on the page labeled "How to Ask Questions" and you type "How to ___" or "How do I ____, please", etc.. But then, I thought, what if one does not know how to ask questions? Well, I guess this could be the solution. So without further ado, here is How to Write Questions:
Step 1: Think of Something
This is a very very important step. You must think of something that you do not know how to do, or that a lot of people you know do not know how to do. If you just asked, "How do I blank?" Then I would have to make a guide, title it "How do I blank" and then where would we be? Nowhere. Literally, nowhere. So, the first step is to think of something ridiculous- I mean, important, that you do not know how to do, and write it down.
Step 2: Buy a Keyboard
It is quite literally impossible to write a question without some form of writing utensil! On the internet, the most popular writing utensil is the Keyboard, so I decided that that will be the one that I will suggest. Of course, you could also use:
An onscreen keyboard
Take a picture of your written question on a piece of paper
Draw it in photoshop/any other photo editor and send it to me that way
Step 3: Write the question
This is arguably the most important step, because if you do not, where will the question be? Will it exist at all? The answer is A; it will be nowhere, and B; it will not exist. Anyway, just go ahead and get your chosen tool to type with, and then the most important part: Typing.
Step 4: Type
Typity type type. That's it. Just like how I typed. I typed, you'll type, she types, he types, they type, it types.. Everything nowadays types and that is the simple truth. You're welcome.
Step 5: Submit
Now, and you'll here this from me, please don't comment on this post. Will I accept it for a guide? Yeah, sure. But that doesn't matter. The fact will still exist that the proper way is to leave a comment on the page "How to Ask Questions" Because all you have to do is ask.
Now, you didn't hear this from me. Well actually you did hear this from me. What am I even saying you didn't hear me say? I don't know. This entire website is pointless-- I mean the most important thing to ever exist in the existence of existence itself.
Saturday, May 20, 2017
How to Sleep
Sleeping, to some, is the most easy thing to do in the world. However, I don't believe it is. There's one thing easier than sleeping.. creating an empire based off of food and taking over the world! Nevermind that, however, because it isn't sleeping it doesn't matter, today.
Because after all, who wants to take over the world? I'd rather sleep. So here you go, a guide about sleeping.
Step 1: Absorb (Eat) Some Energy (Food).
This is something that a lot of people do before going to bed, and for a good reason. Eating a lot of food at once can make one tired, and thus is the best method to do so. After all, why not? It's not like being awake is the best time to digest food, and anyone who says so is WRONG. And why would you say that? You say? Well, because I can. And you should listen to me.
Step 2: Put on Clothes that are Specially Designed to Sleep in
Most humans do this, actually. My species personally just sleeps standing up in a sleep chamber that bathes us and other stuff once we fall asleep, but humans enjoy sleeping laying down.
Step 3: Read Legal Documents
I have to do this every day before I go to sleep because otherwise I simply cannot sleep! Legal Documents are so interesting that it makes me excited to have dreams about reading them. One time, in a dream, I was just walking along, and then I found a library that just had legal documents, and I was so excited! Like, darn, was I excited. For the rest of the dream I read legal documents, and since them I've wanted my own library. (This means I may at some point make a collection of legal documents in Google Drive or something)
Step 4: All of what you did is about to go to waste, now go outside and run a mile.
Waste? Did I say waste? Whoops, I meant to say USE. Go outside and run an entire mile. Right before bed! Right after you read some legal documents, and put on clothes, and other stuff, you're going to want to do that.
Step 5: Absorb more.
I always have to do this after running my mile. I don't know why, I just like to eat a to have absorb a lot of stuff before bed.
Step 6: Read MORE Legal Documents
You're almost there! Now, just read more, and more, and more..
Step 7: Wait until Midnight to go to Sleep.
If you don't do this you're silly. Just sit there and literally do nothing. Interact with nobody. If someone walks up to you and asks if you're okay, do nothing. Literally. This is what you want.
Step 8: Fail at waiting until Midnight.
Normally, after about 6 hours of waiting I just pass out on my bed..
Congrats! You now know how to sleep! This guide has helped you grow as a person, and therefore made you better. Hope you enjoy sleeping.
Because after all, who wants to take over the world? I'd rather sleep. So here you go, a guide about sleeping.
Step 1: Absorb (Eat) Some Energy (Food).
This is something that a lot of people do before going to bed, and for a good reason. Eating a lot of food at once can make one tired, and thus is the best method to do so. After all, why not? It's not like being awake is the best time to digest food, and anyone who says so is WRONG. And why would you say that? You say? Well, because I can. And you should listen to me.
Step 2: Put on Clothes that are Specially Designed to Sleep in
Most humans do this, actually. My species personally just sleeps standing up in a sleep chamber that bathes us and other stuff once we fall asleep, but humans enjoy sleeping laying down.
Step 3: Read Legal Documents
I have to do this every day before I go to sleep because otherwise I simply cannot sleep! Legal Documents are so interesting that it makes me excited to have dreams about reading them. One time, in a dream, I was just walking along, and then I found a library that just had legal documents, and I was so excited! Like, darn, was I excited. For the rest of the dream I read legal documents, and since them I've wanted my own library. (This means I may at some point make a collection of legal documents in Google Drive or something)
Step 4: All of what you did is about to go to waste, now go outside and run a mile.
Waste? Did I say waste? Whoops, I meant to say USE. Go outside and run an entire mile. Right before bed! Right after you read some legal documents, and put on clothes, and other stuff, you're going to want to do that.
Step 5: Absorb more.
I always have to do this after running my mile. I don't know why, I just like to eat a to have absorb a lot of stuff before bed.
Step 6: Read MORE Legal Documents
You're almost there! Now, just read more, and more, and more..
Step 7: Wait until Midnight to go to Sleep.
If you don't do this you're silly. Just sit there and literally do nothing. Interact with nobody. If someone walks up to you and asks if you're okay, do nothing. Literally. This is what you want.
Step 8: Fail at waiting until Midnight.
Normally, after about 6 hours of waiting I just pass out on my bed..
Congrats! You now know how to sleep! This guide has helped you grow as a person, and therefore made you better. Hope you enjoy sleeping.
Friday, May 19, 2017
How to Find Earth
I know, most existing creatures reading this are currently either staying on Earth for vacation, or live here in general. Some humans here don't understand that their planet is always being found by new visitors, and that of those visitors, only a few stay for more than a few hours. Much less for a few days. Completely impossible to stay for a few weeks. So I stay here forever, since I can't just stay here for a limited time since it's impossible to stay for a few weeks or days. It's unbelievably boring here, though, so I'm starting to regret my decision.
Of the people reading this, 10% are web crawlers, 20% aliens, 5% (intelligent) machines, and 50% humans. Not that bad. Anyway, I want to make that 50% go down to less than 0.00000001%, so I decided I'd help some of you all who can't reach Earth, find Earth.
Step 1: Look for Idiocy.
This step's easy. If you start to hear signals coming from Earth, a good way to differientate is how much stuff you get about drinks and foods that the species really wasn't supposed to have. Such as Coca Cola, for instance. There's absolutely no way that that all is good for humans, but they sip it up like they should be sipping on water. Who cares, though? Nobody. Nobody is the answer.
Step 2: Look for Humans.
Humans: What can I say about 'em? They have odd faces, but the faces themselves are fine. Nothing special though, sadly. So yeah, if you're looking for humans, look for average-looking species.
Step 3: Look for Pollution
This one's EASY. They're polluting everything. Like, everything. That's not even a joke. It's annoying, like, lay off. Stop pumping your trash around your pretty globe, it's disgusting. And that leads me onto my next step.
Step 4: Look for the most disgusting species ever.
This is the MOST IMPORTANT step. Humans are very disgusting. Instead of going into sleep chambers and automatically getting cleaned, they are cleaned by (and while being awake, none the less) they walk into and stand up inside of these cleaning chambers that are very very inefficient and should be replaced by the sleep chambers, but humans show no signs of stopping.
Step 5: Gratz! You found Earth!
You did it! You found the worst planet in the whole galaxy. Now, enjoy your time at this interesting resort of sorts. Oh yeah, and don't forget I live in [DATA EXPUNGED].
Of the people reading this, 10% are web crawlers, 20% aliens, 5% (intelligent) machines, and 50% humans. Not that bad. Anyway, I want to make that 50% go down to less than 0.00000001%, so I decided I'd help some of you all who can't reach Earth, find Earth.
Step 1: Look for Idiocy.
This step's easy. If you start to hear signals coming from Earth, a good way to differientate is how much stuff you get about drinks and foods that the species really wasn't supposed to have. Such as Coca Cola, for instance. There's absolutely no way that that all is good for humans, but they sip it up like they should be sipping on water. Who cares, though? Nobody. Nobody is the answer.
Step 2: Look for Humans.
Humans: What can I say about 'em? They have odd faces, but the faces themselves are fine. Nothing special though, sadly. So yeah, if you're looking for humans, look for average-looking species.
Step 3: Look for Pollution
This one's EASY. They're polluting everything. Like, everything. That's not even a joke. It's annoying, like, lay off. Stop pumping your trash around your pretty globe, it's disgusting. And that leads me onto my next step.
Step 4: Look for the most disgusting species ever.
This is the MOST IMPORTANT step. Humans are very disgusting. Instead of going into sleep chambers and automatically getting cleaned, they are cleaned by (and while being awake, none the less) they walk into and stand up inside of these cleaning chambers that are very very inefficient and should be replaced by the sleep chambers, but humans show no signs of stopping.
Step 5: Gratz! You found Earth!
You did it! You found the worst planet in the whole galaxy. Now, enjoy your time at this interesting resort of sorts. Oh yeah, and don't forget I live in [DATA EXPUNGED].
Saturday, May 13, 2017
How to Exist
Existing is one of the most important things you'll do in your life, aside from coming into and leaving existence, so I decided to make a guide to teach everyone how to exist.
Step 1: Do you really exist?
Maybe, maybe not. But who cares whether or not you exist? I sure don't. I just care that you, the person sitting there, is reading this guide. And let me tell you, if you're reading this, you have a 98.6% chance of existing!
Step 2: Live.
This is something that's also very important, and not focused on in too many cultures. You have to be ALIVE. If you're not alive, you're either dead or not born yet, so yeah. Gotta make sure that you're alive!
Step 3: Do existey things
Some existey things include the following:
- Eating
- Drinking
- Sitting on a ball moving through the universe at more than 2 kilometers per second around an even bigger ball that's moving at 20 kilometers per second around an even bigger ball that's moving at 600 kilometers per second.
- Feeling
- Breathing
- Dying (This one isn't good though because it ends your ability to do existey things)
Step 4: Try to do something with Life
Life is a very vast medium of activity that feels like it takes a long time but is actually really small. If you want to have a good existence in our existential world, you should try to do something with the life you were given.
Step 5: Pay taxes
This is a dumb part of existing, but if you want to exist in safety, you have to pay taxes so the existential government keeps existential care of you.
Step 6: Do Something New!
Part of existing is feeling your existence. When you're repeating the same actions over and over you're not really "Feeling" anything. You're just going through the motions, and the end of your personal existence comes too fast. So do something new! It'll help you in the long run!
Step 7: Draw a Picture
This is another thing you can do to feel good about yourself and feel existent. Here's a picture I drew:
Step 1: Do you really exist?
Maybe, maybe not. But who cares whether or not you exist? I sure don't. I just care that you, the person sitting there, is reading this guide. And let me tell you, if you're reading this, you have a 98.6% chance of existing!
Step 2: Live.
This is something that's also very important, and not focused on in too many cultures. You have to be ALIVE. If you're not alive, you're either dead or not born yet, so yeah. Gotta make sure that you're alive!
Step 3: Do existey things
Some existey things include the following:
- Eating
- Drinking
- Sitting on a ball moving through the universe at more than 2 kilometers per second around an even bigger ball that's moving at 20 kilometers per second around an even bigger ball that's moving at 600 kilometers per second.
- Feeling
- Breathing
- Dying (This one isn't good though because it ends your ability to do existey things)
Step 4: Try to do something with Life
Life is a very vast medium of activity that feels like it takes a long time but is actually really small. If you want to have a good existence in our existential world, you should try to do something with the life you were given.
Step 5: Pay taxes
This is a dumb part of existing, but if you want to exist in safety, you have to pay taxes so the existential government keeps existential care of you.
Step 6: Do Something New!
Part of existing is feeling your existence. When you're repeating the same actions over and over you're not really "Feeling" anything. You're just going through the motions, and the end of your personal existence comes too fast. So do something new! It'll help you in the long run!
Step 7: Draw a Picture
This is another thing you can do to feel good about yourself and feel existent. Here's a picture I drew:
Step 8: Do you own thing
While this guide may seem like it's telling you that in order to exist you have to do things such as draw, or do something with your life, you can also just do your own thing!
Step 9: You exist! Congratz!
After following steps 1-8 you officially exist and have contributed something to our wonderful world! Good luck on your existential adventure!
How to have more Free Time
So, I've been in a car all day. Since about 5 AM, I have been sitting in a car. Now, times like these are times that I'm happy that this blog isn't popular yet. Alright, to the guide
Step 1: Become Rich
This step is incredibly easy, in fact I don't think I even need to explain it. It's so easy in fact, that I'm sure everyone is rich. Like, seriously, poverty doesn't exist! Whatever, you can do this I'm sure.
Step 2: Automate EVERYTHING
Literally everything! Automate crime, automate crime fighting, automate drug use and drug dealing, make it so everything is robots! This way everyone won't have to do stuff like crime and crime fighting, or drugs in general, because Robots will be doing that for then. That'll leave us to do the stuff we want to do, like office work, and farming.
Step 3: Invent the Singularity
Now, not a lot of people are ready. And by not a lot, I mean nobody's ready! Literally. You can't prepare for it. But you can at least make it happen! Go out there and do it! I know you can do it
Step 4: Success! You now have infinite free time.
You've become rich, you've automated everything possible, now you can go write your useless blog posts like me or whatever. Bye.
Friday, May 12, 2017
How to Recover from Reading a Guide about Recovering from Reading Homestuck after Reading a Guide about Reading Homestuck
Now, as the title may suggest, this is the guide about recovering from the Homestuck guides.. and I have to say, there is literally one way you can do it!
That is, go ahead and read Homestuck again! Go ahead. Nobody will judge you for rereading the same 10k pages over and over again! I'm sure of it.
Really, there is no cure to Homestuck. I may have tried to trick myself into believing there was, but it's like a disease. But it's the best disease ever. Oh, and my stuff about the Homestuck being a parallel to the bible? Yup, I still think that.
You know this guide existing in this format may just be so that way I could post something and not at the last minute.
You know, if I ever do get the time today, I will make a second guide. But I'm not promising anything.
That is, go ahead and read Homestuck again! Go ahead. Nobody will judge you for rereading the same 10k pages over and over again! I'm sure of it.
Really, there is no cure to Homestuck. I may have tried to trick myself into believing there was, but it's like a disease. But it's the best disease ever. Oh, and my stuff about the Homestuck being a parallel to the bible? Yup, I still think that.
You know this guide existing in this format may just be so that way I could post something and not at the last minute.
You know, if I ever do get the time today, I will make a second guide. But I'm not promising anything.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
How to Recover from Reading Homestuck
Now, last week I ended with "How to Read Homestuck", and so I thought it would be appropriate to start off this week, with (and it may not be needed yet) "How to Recover from Reading Homestuck"
As most of us know, Homestuck is like the bible. The stories depicted inside of it are the modern stories of Jesus and whoever was with him. However, the Bible wasn't good. Homestuck is.
Homestuck is also more than 5 times longer than the bible. This isn't an important fact however, for all you have to do is read. You know, in a few years Homestuck may be the bible.
Whatever, I guess.
Homestuck is the most important thing you will, have, or won't read. People who have read Homestuck can vouch for this, and I expect so in the comments. Seriously, if you've read Homestuck, tell me how much it's affected your life! 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839400415297002878307667094447456013455641725437090697939612257142989467154357 846878861444581231459357198492252847160504922124247014121478057345510500801908 699603302763478708108175450119307141223390866393833952942578690507643100638351 983438934159613185434754649556978103829309716465143840700707360411237359984345 225161050702705623526601276484830840761183013052793205427462865403603674532865 10570658748822569815793678976697422057505968344086973502014102067235850200724 percent of a percent of a percent.
I'm sure it is, though, no worry. Anyway, in the Biblical times the Bible was the stuff of truth. Now, it's the stuff of legend. Who knows, maybe people can walk on water. Whatever.
Anyway, Homestuck is the stuff of legend, and it's not even 1000 years old yet! That's a new record for a story being completely unbelievable 1000s of years before anything else.
As you can see up there, if your life has been affected by a percent of a percent of a percent of pi by Homestuck, then it has to be pretty important! Right? I think my points are completely undeniable.
Anyway, here's the actual guide after several pages have been wasted on some meaningless rambling.
Here:
Step 1: Depression. You know how it is, when you watch the final episode of your favorite Anime, or get to the final page of the last book in your favorite Manga series, we all hate it! Especially with Homestuck! Unlike Anime or Manga, you can't just find another Homestuck! It's simply impossible.
Step 2: Cure your Depression. Reread Homestuck. All Homestucks are guilty of rereading Homestuck over and over and over and over and over, so there really is no reason to be guilty of it.
Step 3: Depression again. After you've used up all your cellular data rereading Homestuck over and over again, and not seen humanity for a few months, it would seem the cure to your problem is simply this: do something else with Homestuck! Go to fanfiction.net or deviantart.com, and do something new with what you love so dearly! This not only applies to Homestuck but to nearly every other thing out there that can be used for entertainment! (But of course homestuck is the most special thing ever and if you don't dedicate yourself to Homestuck you are a sinner and you need to stop and re-situate yourself with Homestuck)
Step 5: Forget to write step 4. I know, most people wouldn't do this, but I forgot to. I was basically done at step 3, but had no proper way to end it, sooooo,
I didn't. As you can see, this post literally never ends.
It would turn out that I'm a liar, aren't I?
Bye.
As most of us know, Homestuck is like the bible. The stories depicted inside of it are the modern stories of Jesus and whoever was with him. However, the Bible wasn't good. Homestuck is.
Homestuck is also more than 5 times longer than the bible. This isn't an important fact however, for all you have to do is read. You know, in a few years Homestuck may be the bible.
Whatever, I guess.
Homestuck is the most important thing you will, have, or won't read. People who have read Homestuck can vouch for this, and I expect so in the comments. Seriously, if you've read Homestuck, tell me how much it's affected your life! It should be at least 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286 208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481 117450284102701938521105559644622948954930381964428810975665933446128475648233 786783165271201909145648566923460348610454326648213393607260249141273724587006 606315588174881520920962829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146 951941511609433057270365759591953092186117381932611793105118548074462379962749 567351885752724891227938183011949129833673362440656643086021394946395224737190 702179860943702770539217176293176752384674818467669405132000568127145263560827 785771342757789609173637178721468440901224953430146549585371050792279689258923 542019956112129021960864034418159813629774771309960518707211349999998372978049 951059731732816096318595024459455346908302642522308253344685035261931188171010 003137838752886587533208381420617177669147303598253490428755468731159562863882 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839400415297002878307667094447456013455641725437090697939612257142989467154357 846878861444581231459357198492252847160504922124247014121478057345510500801908 699603302763478708108175450119307141223390866393833952942578690507643100638351 983438934159613185434754649556978103829309716465143840700707360411237359984345 225161050702705623526601276484830840761183013052793205427462865403603674532865 10570658748822569815793678976697422057505968344086973502014102067235850200724 percent of a percent of a percent.
I'm sure it is, though, no worry. Anyway, in the Biblical times the Bible was the stuff of truth. Now, it's the stuff of legend. Who knows, maybe people can walk on water. Whatever.
Anyway, Homestuck is the stuff of legend, and it's not even 1000 years old yet! That's a new record for a story being completely unbelievable 1000s of years before anything else.
As you can see up there, if your life has been affected by a percent of a percent of a percent of pi by Homestuck, then it has to be pretty important! Right? I think my points are completely undeniable.
Anyway, here's the actual guide after several pages have been wasted on some meaningless rambling.
Here:
Step 1: Depression. You know how it is, when you watch the final episode of your favorite Anime, or get to the final page of the last book in your favorite Manga series, we all hate it! Especially with Homestuck! Unlike Anime or Manga, you can't just find another Homestuck! It's simply impossible.
Step 2: Cure your Depression. Reread Homestuck. All Homestucks are guilty of rereading Homestuck over and over and over and over and over, so there really is no reason to be guilty of it.
Step 3: Depression again. After you've used up all your cellular data rereading Homestuck over and over again, and not seen humanity for a few months, it would seem the cure to your problem is simply this: do something else with Homestuck! Go to fanfiction.net or deviantart.com, and do something new with what you love so dearly! This not only applies to Homestuck but to nearly every other thing out there that can be used for entertainment! (But of course homestuck is the most special thing ever and if you don't dedicate yourself to Homestuck you are a sinner and you need to stop and re-situate yourself with Homestuck)
Step 5: Forget to write step 4. I know, most people wouldn't do this, but I forgot to. I was basically done at step 3, but had no proper way to end it, sooooo,
I didn't. As you can see, this post literally never ends.
It would turn out that I'm a liar, aren't I?
Bye.
Saturday, May 6, 2017
How to Read Homestuck
This is the most blatant advertisement ever. Hmm. Okay. Andrew Hussie, if you find this blog post, can we be friends?
Step 1: Get in the right mindset
Now, people have gone into Homestuck before not knowing what to expect, so I'm making it obvious a this point. Homestuck is the true test of one's patience, the true ascend into true nirvana, moksha, whatever you'll call it. But you have to be prepared. Without preparation, you can starve, become dehydrated, pass out because of lack of sleep, all of these things. So you need to have a large stockpile of skittles, water bottles, and you need to get up at 5:30 am after going to sleep at 7:30 pm the previous night to read Homestuck. Actually, all of this probably isn't true.
Step 2: Make sure you're a good reader
Homestuck requires the right work ethic to properly understand. You can't skip conversations, and if you do you'll miss out on important plot posts that if you hadn't skipped over that one conversation you would've noticed.
Basic lesson: Don't skip things, it leads to misunderstandings and then you don't know what is going on. At all.
Step 3: Find Homestuck
There is more than one way to "read" Homestuck, in case you weren't sure. You could actually read it (This is the best way to read it, and the way that you're least likely to get bored at!) at this link. Pretty simple.
But of course, there's two sides to every sword. There's the sharp edge, and the weak edge. I call this "Weak Edge" the YouTube Read. Why do I call it this? Well, the YouTube read is fine and all, but it's pacing is way too slow for one to actually enjoy.
One of my favorite parts of reading Homestuck and other books is the fact you get to decide the pacing. Also, you can reread parts you misunderstood. In the YouTube read, you have to understand it all on the first time through, or you have to make a bad attempt at going backwards in the video, which we all know can be hard.
Now, I'm not forcing you to read it on the website, so here it is anyway at this link.
Step 4: Now, read Homestuck for real.
This is the only step that really requires you to think. Just keep reading, no matter how weird it gets. Because it's good. Like, the best.
Step 5: Now, since you've finished Act 7, you've Read Homestuck!
Or maybe you haven't yet? Either way, congrats. You did it!
If you enjoyed the guide, feel free to subscribe or something, if you've already subbed, share it then? Or don't. I don't really know if you subscribed or not. But if you did, thanks.
Friday, May 5, 2017
How to Fit in with Humanity
Have you ever wanted to fit in? Do you not know how? Well, it seems you've come to the RIGHT PLACE!! Here at TGA Inc., we've been striving to figure out the secrets of staying alive, getting a job, and most importantly, not dying!
Step 1: Drinking Water
Now, all humans know this, but some species of aliens such as myself are unsure as to what we need to do to drink water. The way that we get water in this society is pretty easy. We simply go to a place such as a water fountain, or a sink and bend over.
Now, on my home planet we don't drink water. We ingest it using our Psycho Super Abilities, and that's pretty simple for us. However, in my new home known as Earth, that's not physically allowed. People will call you a weirdo for somehow teleporting water into your stomach.
I know, this is hard to deal with but of course, all aliens have to deal with going to a new planet at some point in their life.
Step 2: Eating normal food
I know, all of us Aliens love a nice Worm Sushi, but on Earth humans enjoy eating (Ew) Chicken and Rice? Both of these are absolutely disgusting and terrible for an alien's health, but on Earth we must fit in, and so we must follow this rule.
Step 3: Be a greedy, terrible, jerk.
All humans are like this. If you're nice, you simply won't fit in. Sorry, Niceians.
Step 4: Get human surgery
All aliens must LOOK like a human to fit in, obviously, like seriously. How would I fit in looking like my original self? I wouldn't! So you get a surgery where they remove your skin and replace it with human skin, and make other parts of your body more human-like
Step 5: Congratz! You fit in!
You now look like a human, and you're fitting in just fine! Continue to act more and more humanlike- and one day, nobody will even be able to tell you and an alien apart!
If you enjoyed this guide, feel free to learn how to subscribe which is the current featured post, and tomorrow another wonderfully useful guide will appear out of nowhere! Make sure to continue learning the reigns of being a human, and fare well! Or don't.. I'm not forcing you to continue being happy, after all. I don't tell people what to do!
Step 2: Eating normal food
I know, all of us Aliens love a nice Worm Sushi, but on Earth humans enjoy eating (Ew) Chicken and Rice? Both of these are absolutely disgusting and terrible for an alien's health, but on Earth we must fit in, and so we must follow this rule.
Step 3: Be a greedy, terrible, jerk.
All humans are like this. If you're nice, you simply won't fit in. Sorry, Niceians.
Step 4: Get human surgery
All aliens must LOOK like a human to fit in, obviously, like seriously. How would I fit in looking like my original self? I wouldn't! So you get a surgery where they remove your skin and replace it with human skin, and make other parts of your body more human-like
Step 5: Congratz! You fit in!
You now look like a human, and you're fitting in just fine! Continue to act more and more humanlike- and one day, nobody will even be able to tell you and an alien apart!
If you enjoyed this guide, feel free to learn how to subscribe which is the current featured post, and tomorrow another wonderfully useful guide will appear out of nowhere! Make sure to continue learning the reigns of being a human, and fare well! Or don't.. I'm not forcing you to continue being happy, after all. I don't tell people what to do!
Thursday, May 4, 2017
How to Subscribe
Anyway, here's the guide.
Step 1: Go to my Website.
As long as this guide didn't get stolen by someone else, it is for sure on my website. If it was stolen, the link to my website is HERE.
Step 2: Find the Typey Bar to Sub.
It looks like this:
Step 2.5: Type in your Email
This one's mostly straight forward. Unless you don't have an email, which in that case get one.
Step 3: Click "Submit".
This one is pretty simple. All you have to do is tap it if you're on mobile, and click it after hovering over it if you're on a desktop.
Step 4: Do the Captcha.
Captchas. Oh, how I hate Captchas. They aren't that great anyway. But who cares? You need to do one to subscribe to me (for some reason). After that,
Step 4.5: Confirm your email
This one's also pretty simple. But it could be difficult if you don't know the password well, or if you have slow internet, or if the website's acting up. Make sure to check your spam folder too!
Step 5: Congratulations! You are subscribed!
You are officially subscribed to the
Thanks for reading my guide, I guess. A new one's coming tomorrow, and another the day after that.
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