So, my friend just got his first pet Chimpanzee, but we discovered it was a rip-off because they can't even talk! Oh, I mean my
friend can't talk. The Chimpanzee's fine, it's just we, or I should say I, (my friend is a rhinoceros by the way, that's why he can't talk, (no big deal,)) can't find a way to communicate with it!
So I got to the true internet (for aliens(, I mean, perfectly normal and functional human beings,)) and found that, yes indeed, there is a way! So, for all you imperfectly abnormal and dysfunctional alien beings, I have piled together my favorite method to communicate with your pet Chimpanzee!
Step 1: Get a chimpanzee
This is an incredibly difficult step, at least for you imperfectly abnormal and dysfunctional alien beings, that must be followed if you are
ever to even
see a chimpanzee. In order to do this, follow the mini guide, here:
How to get things.
Step 2: Get things for the chimpanzee
Wait, wait, you just got the Chimpanzee without getting anything for it? Well, I guess you could say you weren't prepared, eh? Well you weren't. Go to Pet-S-Mart. I must once again refer you to of course,
How to get things.
Step 3: Go to Universal Studios
Legend says, at Universal Studios, there's a portal to the eighth dimension! You don't care about this though. You just want to take the rocket ship to
Step 4: Go to Universal College
This would be what you use the rocket ship from Universal Studios for.
Step 5: Get a degree in Chimpanzee-Speak
Believe it or not, you can get a master's degree in this! And it only takes away a little more than 100 years from your life! Imperfectly abnormal and dysfunctional alien beings DO live for thousands of years, right?
Step 6: Talk to the chimpanzee
You have now learned how to talk in Chimpanzee-Speak, so now you should go talk to the Chimpanzee wait
Step 7: He's dead
Oh. Alright... Umm, let's just go back to where we got the first one-
Step 8: There are none more in the wild
Oh. I guess humans have had fun over that hundred year period, right?
Step 9: Rob one from the zoo at night
I MEAN. Borrow. Yeah, you're just borrowing one from the zoo.
Step 10: You now have the only living chimpanzee
He expresses to you that he would like to be cloned hundreds of thousands of times, and that he would like to see his young put into the wild.
Step 11: Go back to Universal College
If you forgot how to do that, refer to steps 3 and 4.
Step 12: Get a degree in cloning technology
Luckily, if Earth doesn't have this in 100 years, luckily Universal College does! I hope it's useful to you. This class only takes 2 years.
Step 13: Return to your chimpanzee, to see him as an old man
As you return to him, he speaks his last dying words.. "I'm glad you're doing this.. The chimpanzees of the future will all be happy! You will do great for the world.. Thank you."
Step 14: Clone him before he dies.
You do that.
Step 15: Hear him speak his
actual dying words
These are "I hid the money in the-" and then he falls down dead.
Step 16: Raise his young, forget about the money!
You raise around 1000 chimpanzees. Good job.
Step 17: Release them in the wild. Come back in 50 years.
Step 18: You come back in 50 years.
All of a sudden, chimpanzees have spread all over the local continent! They're currently scheduling boat rides to get to the other 6.. This can't be good-
Step 19: Sell your idea to Universal Studios
They're the ones who helped you get this far.
Step 20: Watch Planet of the Chimpanzees, a film about how chimpanzees talk to humans after a young girl uses a rocket in Universal Studios to go to an odd college named "Universal College," then she takes a 100 year course to talk to chimpanzees. When she gets back, the last chimpanzee is alive, because humans have somehow caused the end of their race. She then goes back to Universal College and takes a 2 year course in cloning technology, clones the chimpanzee, raises the 1000 children, and then releases them. Then, she comes back 50 years later, only to see that they have spread all over the continent, and that they're currently scheduling boat rides to get to the other 6. Then the movie ends.. but on a cliff hanger. This hanger is currently unknown to the public so that way there is at least one reason to go see the film.